Do Not Ignore These 9 Unexpected Signs of Cofounder Conflict (Here’s What to Do Instead)
Founding teams reduce conflict through intentional conversations with a cofounder coach.
Cofounder conflict is responsible for 65% of high-potential startups failing to achieve their mission. It is also preventable.
Cofounder coaching is the leading service to prevent and treat cofounder strain by teaching founders the skills required to navigate conflicts more effectively and rebuild trust after periods of difficulty.
As a licensed psychologist and cofounder coach working with founding teams for the last five years, I identified several common warning signs that discord is developing. When left unaddressed these symptoms increase in severity, leading down a path of resentment that becomes more and more challenging to step away from.
Once damaging internal narratives about the other person are confirmed, resentment becomes a ticking time-bomb in the founding partnership.
Based on conversations with hundreds of cofounders the last few years, the list below includes nine often-overlooked symptoms cofounder conflict is brewing and nine practical solutions to address them before issues escalate.
Here are the 9 unexpected warning signs founders need to monitor:
1. Rapid speech
You may notice the pace of conversation increasing on a consistent basis.
Speaking quickly works well when you are on the same page, but when you are disagreeing, it can contribute to spiraling conflicts.
Solution:
Practice slowing down when you notice disagreements. This will help you better identify and navigate difficult discussions.
2. Interrupting
Interrupting disrupts processing and leads to a chaotic, disorganized conversation.
When these factors are present on a consistent basis, it contributes to founders feeling unheard.
Solution:
Take turns. Stop competing for airspace and learn to share it.
3. Circular disagreements
Ever feel like you’re having the same unproductive conversation multiple times?
You share your perspective, your partner rebuttals and shares theirs, you share your rebuttal, and so on. It is an exhausting and frustrating process that contributes to mutual distress.
Solution:
Name it. Call out the pattern then adjust course by slowing down, taking turns and Listening for Understanding.
These foundational skills are draining, time intensive, but will create a different flow that leads to a better outcome.
5. Physiological activation
You may notice tightness in your chest, tension in your jaw, and shallow, rapid breathing accompanying your feelings of frustration.
This physiological activation increases the likelihood of a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response—all of which create unhelpful conversations.
Solution:
Claim it! You may even say “I’m feeling activated and need a second to cool off,” or “I’m feeling defensive.”
After naming it, take a break. The break can be short—even a few seconds. The goal is to breathe, reduce your body’s activation, then restart the conversation from a place of calm.
6. Emotional (and physical) exhaustion
After these moments of activation, it is quite common to feel exhausted and dread readdressing the topic.
Solution:
Take a few minutes (or longer) to reset.
If this is not accessible, refocus on less demanding tasks and then aim to have a neutral or positive engagement with your partner.
7. Avoiding uncomfortable conversations
This is the turning point.
When conversations feel circular, draining, and unproductive, it makes each person more reluctant to initiate difficult conversations for fear of the same unhelpful pattern repeating. This outcome is the most dangerous because it sets the foundation for resentment.
Solution:
Do not avoid—create a frame.
Tell your partner you must discuss something and would like to set aside time to focus on it.
Frame the conversation by informing your partner what you hope to get out of the discussion and what you need from them for an optimal outcome (eg emotional support, problem-solving, etc.)
8. Internalizing frustration
The spectrum of anger-related emotions — frustration, agitation, irritability—become dangerous to the relationship when they are unexpressed (or expressed in an unhealthy manner, as seen below in number nine).
When each partner keeps their anger inside themselves, it contributes to resentment by adding onto false narratives about the other person’s intentions and limitations.
These stories about the other person and the intense emotions they elicit become termites that naw away at the partnership’s foundation.
Solution:
Find a healthier outlet. Work to use I-messages to express your feelings with your partner, practice non-violent communication, and leverage your own support system to reduce build-up.
9. Criticism
When uncomfortable feelings have been eaten rather than shared, they find expression in tension-filled moments or leak out in unintentional, passive-aggressive remarks.
Criticism adds fuel to the fire of disagreement and accelerates the above symptoms.
Solution:
State observations, share feelings, and don’t cross the net. Do not interpret the other person’s motivations or intentions (because you don’t live inside their head, that’s your narrative—not theirs).
Focus on stating observations and sharing your feelings instead (eg “I notice when I see you X, I feel Y”).
In my coaching practice, far too many cofounders wait for all nine of these warning signs to be present before taking action.
While some people are willing and able to invest the mental, emotional, and financial resources to improving their strained relationship, many are not.
Founders who wait to get support struggle because they feel lonely and disconnected from their partner at a time when that support is needed most.
The key to a healthy cofounder partnership is proactive action rather than reactive solutions.
Take action by educating yourself on this topic and connecting with a cofounder coach to address these issues before they develop into a long-term problem.